Teardrops

                                                       

   All it took were three drops, three drops and the salty tears come flooding down my face without control. For three years on this day it has always been like that, a stiff battle with my tears for three hours, to the point that when it starts drowning me in sorrow I take to my heels and drown myself in a bottle, a temporary and cowardly escape though but it does the job at least. “Am so happy, that’s just the saddest lie”! A lie I have lived with for too long, a lie I so believed in until today, the last day. A lie that has governed my every action and decision for this last one thousand and ninety five days, a lie I have always told others and believed in so that I and you all wouldn’t see how I hurt so much, how my heart bleeds and my soul burns slow like it has been doused with ether, how my life is so filled up with pain because of the time lost, the time I could have shared with you, a time we could have shared together, a time that can never be made up for and I fear that as the time passes, the hope of making things right gets slimmer. I will say what I have to say because in the end they all are going to judge me anyway so whatever. We couldn’t be a threesome and probably never will be because it wasn’t meant to be, today while you are happy out there I feel so sad like I am in mourning out here, sad not over the loss of a life but over the loss of all the time we could have spent together, sad over the fact that we are biologically so close but physically so far apart, separated by distance and circumstances.                                                             
    Smile and be merry for it’s your day, a day I regrettably can’t spend with you. Awake I have been since three in the morning with contradicting feelings, my heart swelling with happiness and pride for you and at the same time deflating over being disappointed and unhappy with myself, I am trying so hard to remain sane and coherent in my thought because I have more than three issues whirling out of control in my head, finally I manage to get myself in control and settle for three things, I will strive to remain happy today, if not for your sake then for my sanity, secondly if that fails I would not fall back to my trusted companion, the ‘bottle’ for solace and escape, and lastly I am going to make three wishes for you, just like in the Arabian stories where you rub a lamp and a genie pops out to do your bidding. Know that whatever I wish for would be pure, deserving and born out of the undying and unflinching love I have for you. Today I shall shed tears, not for mourning but tears of joy because I am celebrating a life. I shall shed Tear drops just like rain drops so hard to control yet so easy to induce, Tear drops salty and ready to drown you just like the ocean waters, Tear drops just like dew drops flowing slowly but eventually getting everything wet. If only my tear drops were a blessing for you, I would never stop shedding tears. Like it is said “Tiny drops of water make a mighty ocean” so shall my tear drops that I shed be your blessings, and so shall it make a mighty ocean of blessings for you for all eternity.                                                                 

Passion & Desire

If passion were a flame of fire,
That burned into my soul;
I'd be consumed by this inferno,
By you who makes me whole.
Just like the moth who can't resist,
Who's drawn into the fire;
I dance around the flickering light,
Of passion and desire.


I look so deeply in your eyes,
At the hair I long to touch;
I hear my name come whispering,
'Cross lips I need so much.
My heart is filled with longing,
I stand too near the fire.
Again I'm drawn by the music,
Of passion and desire.


My hands reach out to touch you,
I live for one look from your eyes;
I whisper your name in the quiet times,
My love too strong to deny.
I dance to the tune of your music,
I sway in the glow of your fire.
Ever drawn into this inferno,
Of passion and desire.

The Butterfly Effect

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: Story his is this

Future the and past the between travel can and time mastered have I, death son only my of cause the are you that saw I future the to trips my of one during was it. Away miles of thousands life son’s my ended action singular one your that but death sons my of cause the directly not are you though. Existence your out wipe and her kill to father your to birth give to going was grandmother your when ago years three sixty, time in back go to decided I so. Born was your father your where hospital the to got I as, broke just water her because me help please yelling in grandmother your rushed he as door the at grandfather your met I, ward maternity the to door the opening by grandfather your assisted I after distance a at followed I then, delivery fathers your for preparation in theater the into gurney a in wheeled was she then, door theater the at stopped was grandfather your, up scrubbed myself got I, alright be to going was everything him telling and smiling grandfather your to up walked I then, theater the into walked I when attendance in nurse the out knocked i? was I who me asked state induced drug a in who grandmother your to over walked then, her to said and off it shook i but voice I heard and face her saw I as me hit familiarity of sense a, events others of series a to lead would that events of series a start would grandson her because her kill to here was I because relevant wasn’t was I who, lineage my of end the and son my of death the to lead would that, son my hit and car her of control lost she that heartbroken an distraught so was girl the and him with love in was that girl a with relationship distance long a ended he because, right woman a treat to how him teach didn’t but up him raised who you after go to right only its birth child at died mother his since so queen a by raised was he that proof is princess a like woman his treats who man a that believed is it , personal nothing was it and sorry was I that her to whisper I as stomach her at pistol silenced the pointed then, don’t please me kill shouts she as gun the into back goes bullets the then, cover up they as wounds her into back sips blood the then, pocket my of out gun the bring I as, hospital the into back zapped get I then, remember I that past my of scene a to brought was I, venom the out sucking by life my saved woman elderly an and me bit snake a when fifteen was I, shot just had I that hospital the in woman the as here me saved have to supposed was that woman elderly the recognize immediately and die I slowly as body physical my into back comes life as together back merge self ethereal my as occurred never existence his.

Lil Hommie

    My soul weeps for you! The mere thought that you are out there, close by yet so far away hurts me so bad to the point where I shed tears. There are days where I can taste the bitter taste of defeat in my mouth whenever I think of you. Not a day goes by that I do not think of you and wish circumstances were different, the thought of you brings along with it the feeling of helplessness and the feeling of failure on my own part, the thought that you might be out there helpless and in pains leaves me in pains at how helpless I am to help you, the thought that am not there to hold you tight and reassure you that all will be well leaves me with a strong compulsion to smash everything around me with my bare hands. Am at a point in my life where I am a child again, learning to walk, testing his footings and trying to struggle with others who are sure footed, I will definitely prevail but will I do it in time to make amends with you? It is dangerous and cowardly for a man to dwell too much on his missteps by forever regretting, I do not regret and have never regretted your existence because you are a blessing, I only regret the steps am being forced to take right now because if seen or perceived wrongly by you eventually may cause irreparable damages to our relationship. You definitely cannot understand certain things now and I hope I become an integral part of your life in time before the questions start flooding in and the feeling of abandonment finally sets in. I cringe at the thought of when you would eventually have to ask me certain questions about why things couldn’t have been different, because no matter how i explain or what form of explanation I give it may never bring back the times we have lost, it may heal our injuries but the scar would remain as a constant reminder of how life can be so unfair. I take all blames and responsibilities for my actions because I made whatever decision am sitting on right now solely on my own, but know that whatever decisions I have made were noble, they may look selfish but I made them with good intention and with your best interest at heart. Our life is governed by the steps we take, a wrong turn leads you to troubles, we are prone to mistakes and that is allowed but what makes a man is if he finds his way back from that said wrong turn to find the right path. I have made certain wrong turns and I am gradually finding my way back, how long it would take I don’t know but as long as i have perseverance on my side I will survive. I want you to know that I live for you, I dream of the day we will be together and whatever steps I take now I take them with you on my mind and wherever I go I take you along in my heart.

       Tagging myself as merely “not very religious” is the greatest understatement of the decade but I still and always pray for you, I pray for you to have patience with me and that since I cant be there to protect you God should send angels to guide you in my stead because when there is life there is hope and if anything happens to you I will live the rest of my life feeling defeated and under achieved no matter how successful I would eventually become. So please hold on tight for I will one day definitely come for you and sweep you away like a blazing chariot from heaven to be with me and know now that I would never leave you again

Priorities

   Setting your priorities right are essential to the smooth functionality of the human life, if you let trivial things come first you will definitely come last because if you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff in life, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Why I decided to write this little piece is because of an interesting story I read sometime ago, a story that I have attached below in the next paragraph for you to read and enjoy because it shows us and tells us in a nutshell what our priorities are and how the rank on your scale, and I especially liked the last line of the story too. The moral of the story was simply this: When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are just not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the beer.

 

   A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and continued to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full they agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked again if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous “yes”. The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. Now, said the professor, as the laughter subsided, I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things like your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions, things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuffs. If you put the sand into the jar first, he continued, there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand. One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers.

If Only You Knew

   

If only you knew! If only you know

How my heart overflowed with love for you.

If only you could see the way

You filled my hopes and dreams.

If only you knew! If only you knew how

I was willing to give up happiness

To never see you sad.

If only you knew! If only you knew how

I was willing to give up eternity

To be with you always.

If only you knew! If only you knew how

I would have given up my life

For you to live.

If only you knew! If only you knew

How I was willing to the time

Even when I hadn’t committed the crime.

If only you knew! If only you could guess
how I took you to be my beloved, to guide and to guard

And show the ways of the world.

If only you knew! If only you could guess

How my heart swelled with pride and joy whenever

You put on that your smile.

If only you knew! If only you could guess

How my soul cried out to you whenever

You were pained or hurt.

If only you knew! If only you knew how

I was willing to give up everything

Except you.

If only you could feel! How your very presence now
has the power to open up
all the injuries inside me
and take away the joy and a sense of actual living.

If only you knew! If only you could realize
the way you've shown me
that it's better not to believe
but to hope.
And whatever I did,
I did for your sake.
I was willing to give you my all
and expect nothing in return.
But, oh how I learn
from you.
If only you knew!

Too bad,

You may never know.

Bondage

    I am a writer and I have a deadline to finish a book in three weeks that I am not sure I can meet up with because I have what we call in our circle, a writer’s block. It's a condition primarily associated with writing as a profession, in which an author loses the ability to produce new work. The condition varies widely in intensity. It can be trivial, a temporary difficulty in dealing with the task at hand. At the other extreme, some "blocked" writers have been unable to work for years on end, and some have even abandoned their careers. It can manifest as the affected writer viewing their work as inferior or unsuitable, when in fact it could be the opposite. The time it takes for the block to be lifted varies with individuals and circumstances, for some it takes days, others months to no end. In the past I have experienced it about once or twice and I usually find my way around it, but this one is proving to be an immovable rock. I have been at my cabin for about two months now and in the last two weeks I haven’t written a sentence and my word processor is sitting idle on the desk gathering dust. I have to do something about my situation and I had to do it fast, I needed a release and I have only one way of doing that. I have a habit that the general public wouldn’t smile upon and it has to do with my sexual preference. I am into sadomasochism, it’s a pleasure derived from being dominated and treated cruelly during sex, and it’s a morbid gratification in suffering pain either physical or mental during the sexual act. I have managed to keep this part of myself from my friends and family by having this cabin away from the prying eyes of everyone, I use it as my getaway whenever I need seclusion to write a book and it also provides me with the privacy to practice my sexual escapades in secrecy. My cabin is at a very remote part of the state, it’s off the major road leading to the next state and the road to the cabin is narrow so very few people come here, the cabin is always stocked up to satisfy a family of five for at least two months with foodstuff, toiletries and other miscellaneous, it is also always stocked up with a lot of booze because like most writers I have a weakness for it, it has its own water reservoir, an unlisted telephone number that hardly ever rings because only about three people have it, my editor, my mother and my Ex-wife.

    I have a room in the basement equipped with two set of leather manacles on the wall for the feet and hands respectively another set of metal manacles with very thick leather bracelet hanging from the roof too, I have different types of whips that ranged in size and texture all lined up on the wall, a lot of costumes and masks because I liked a little play acting too, an old framed bed with four handcuffs on each corner, an old television and VCR, and some other oddities like lubricants, condoms etc. Those were the tools that give me unimaginable pleasure that I could never derive from a normal sexual experience. A couple of years ago a friend introduced me to a  professional dominatrix or professional dominant, often referred to within our culture as a "pro-domme", she offers services encompassing the range of bondage, discipline, and dominance discreetly in exchange for money. Our rules were these: no use of first names, she was Bellatrix to me while I was Jinx to her, our conversation on the phone would always be about business only and it should be kept short, there should be no record in the form of photos or videos of our activities, I should always call ahead of time to book an appointment because she had other clients to satisfy and finally we should never acknowledge ourselves if we ever see outside our working environment.

   I called Bellatrix and I asked her if she was available because I needed her services immediately, she told me she was available and asked if it was at the usual place, which I said yes to. She told me her charges were going to be a little higher than usual because I called her up on short notice which I also agreed to. She came in at around six in the evening, packed her jeep in front of the cabin, came down with a bag in hand then walked up to my door and rang the bell. Between when I called her up and when she rang I had already almost gone through a bottle of bourbon and my head was already feeling like it had cotton wool stuffed in it, I opened the door for her and she waltzed in, planted a kiss on my cheek then walked over to my mini-bar and got out a bottle of vodka, opened it and poured herself a sizable amount which she carried over to where I was sitting on the couch. We drank then talked about this and that for about thirty minutes when she opened her bag and brought out cocaine which she offered me and I accepted, by then we were floating and on the roll at the same time. She walked over to my stereo put it on and started strip teasing and dancing seductively, then she gave me a lap dance and finally she performed fellatio on my manhood. By the time we were ready to go down to the basement we had already done a great deal of the coke she brought and we had already almost gone through two bottles of vodka. When we got to the basement she stripped me of my clothes, strapped me to the  leather manacles hanging from the roof of my basement then she stripped and dressed up in a red leather costume and a stiletto heeled shoe to match, she started with a little play acting, she was the teacher and I was the student and  I was begging her to punish me for being a very bad boy, she flogged me at my back screaming that I have been a very bad boy while I was crying and begging her not to stop, by then my manhood had already grown so hard that it was going to explode any moment, and that was when she came over to me bent low in front of me and guided me inside her. I nearly lost it all then because what I felt then was too overwhelming for only one man to take alone. After about ten minute of that she continues to flog me again, by then I realized Bellatrix was so high to the point where she had entered a frenzied state but I didn’t care or even bother and even if I was worried I couldn’t do anything about it for obvious reasons. One minute she was giving me pleasure through pain the next she was on the floor in pains and dying.

  Bellatrix lost her footing and hit her head on the edge of the bed which was right in front of me and that was when I climaxed, it was like a volcano erupted in me and I didn’t get my act together until after about five minutes and all this while Bellatrix was lying on the floor with her head lying at an odd angle. When I finally got my acts together and called out to her all she could do was move her fingers because her neck was broken and if she didn’t get immediate attention she would die. I panicked and started yelling for help even when I knew there was no one outside that could hear me and worse was that I didn’t expect anybody to come looking for me until when I was supposed to be through with my story which is in three weeks time and nobody is expecting to hear from me until then too. So this is the scenario here: i am chained, naked, helpless and not to forget dead drunk in the basement of my cabin with an almost dead woman and surrounded with a lot of things that would give an Old Catholic nun a seizure if she lays eyes on them and I have no hope of being rescued in time. I am a dead meat no doubt because I didn’t see how I was going to survive three weeks without water and food, so I lost my nerves again and continued screaming until I had screamed my voice hoarse then fainted. When I came to I was disoriented and my nostrils were attacked by the foulest of odor and that was when I remembered Bellatrix and I looked towards her and saw she was dead and staring at me sightless with her head still at that same odd angle, she had lost control of her bowel sometime during the time I was out and that was what accounted for the foul smell I perceived when I woke up. A thought crossed my mind and I started laughing and crying at the same time, my present situation reminded me of a book written by my best author, a man whose books inspired me to become the writer I am today, his name is "Stephen King" and the title of the book was "Gerald’s game". In the book a man called Gerald  is on leave from work and decides to spend his leave with his wife in their cabin in the mountain or something like that, on getting there they got involved in a sexual game where he had to handcuff his wife to the bed which she complied with initially then suddenly changed her mind after he had her cuffed to the bed, the husband didn’t appreciate the fact that she wasn’t interested again and decided to ignore her and when he tried to mount her she struggled and kicked out at him then he fell of the bed, broke his neck and died thereby leaving the woman handcuffed to the bed where she watched him get eaten by a wild dog or something else, in the end the woman escaped after many days but her life was never the same again in fact I think she went off the rockers in the end. As I continued weeping I began to reflect on the mistakes I made but would never correct, the things I wished I did and other things I hoped on achieving that I probably would never do. And as the devil will have it my ideas for the story I was writing started trickling in gently then eventually it came in a flood to the point that I could see the story en-fold in front of me in not just techno-color but also in 3D. The aim for inviting Bellatrix had been achieved but I am being denied the means to ever use it.
    The concept of time was lost on me down here because I didn’t know how long I had spent in between waking and fainting, my last count was six days I guess, I was in the basement where no form of light was penetrating and sometime during my bondage there was a thunderstorm and one of my circuit breakers blew up so there wasn’t even electricity down here either so for all I know the duration of bondage might have been double my last count. During this time Bellatrix had turned green, was swollen, rotten with maggots and oozing out gases and gore that would make a giant reel over and I was filthy and smelly because I had continually pee'd and poo'd on myself, those weren’t my biggest problem though because I eventually got used to the stink and my sense of smell just went numb, my real problem was food and water. I heard somewhere that one can survive on only water for weeks in a desert so I bit on my lips and tongue and drank my blood for sustenance, God! How I suffered. I began even to ration my blood because I didn’t want it to run out of it too quickly. I was at the height of malnutrition, fading and with no blood again to drink from when I just decided to give up and let go of myself hoping for death. Sometime during my shift between consciousness to delirium to unconsciousness my left hand became free from the manacles and at first my brain failed to register it because it felt like it was one of my deliriums until I managed to fight through the fog and realized that my left hand which was naturally the slimmer hand had somehow slipped through the manacle because I had lost too much weight. With that little hope in sight I gained enough strength to manage to free myself, crawled out of the basement to the sitting room for the phone only to find out it didn’t have a dial tone then I remembered the thunderstorm. I didn’t dwell on the phone for too long and I went straight to the kitchen with the intention of eating and drink something to get enough strength to do what had to be done. I opened the refrigerator with shaky hands, dragged out a bottle of water and                       

a bar of chocolate from the fridge then I started to rush both of them into my mouth when I suddenly collapsed to the floor. My skin became cool and clammy and at the same time appeared pale and gray, my breathing became slow and shallow then my pulse became very weak as I died slowly.

   As I faded away and wondered what was wrong with me, an article I read sometime in the past came to mind, that a body that has been deprived of nutrition for a very long time would enter shock and die if food is rushed into its body because the rush of nutrient would be too overwhelming for the body to process. It’s so ironic that I survived starvation only to be killed by food.

Paradox

     That middle finger is for those who don’t think too highly of me because of their inability to see what is really staring at them in the face, so i don’t give a F**k what you all think about me and neither do I give two. There are times I wonder who I really am, what I really like or what I would really become because my life is in a jumbled state of perpetual contradictions. I have people second guessing my actions or the next and the motive behind my steps, I know a lot of people who have a wrong perception of me because they only see what they want to see or they only see what they can see because the ability to see further than what they think I am or what I am supposed to be showing has been hindered or hampered by their mediocre analytical approach to an issue, its not like I really blame them though because I sometimes get myself confused about myself too.

     For starters I am a happy and colorful individual with the capacity to have and create fun out of nothing, I believe in a better tomorrow and the hope of a positive ending to anything unfortunate in life but on my blog I only write stories with sad endings, apart from my grand folks and an old uncle or two I haven’t lost anybody of importance in my life yet I have a very high mortality rate in my stories, so the question is this; am I to be judged by what my imagination creates or by how I am living and have lived my life? Because a lot of people believe that what goes on in your head are the reflections or a good indication of the life you live and the path you intend to take in the next foreseeable future. I have a lot of friends and I hang out with them but the truth is I love to be left alone to my own device. That is the most confusing part of me that has left me with no plausible explanation. How can I appreciate other peoples company and at the same time want to be left alone? I am a talkative and sometimes an annoying one but I would rather listen to you to no end as long as you are saying anything of interest. I have this affinity for crime but I want and love to pursue a career in law enforcement, where is the sense in that? Aren’t alleged criminals supposed to hate anything law enforcement? I love only ladies but my dressing and slight effeminate features could suggest I swing the other way. My looks give you the idea of a harmless saint but that’s a big lie because am not just a wolf in a sheep’s skin, I am both the wolf and sheep. I love kids and I have so much compassion for one that I can’t stand to see a child hurt but if you see me lose my patience with a child you would be terrified and you will tag me as heartless. Why would I be inflicting pain on others but I still manage to smile like I am spending quality time with my girlfriend? My different set of friends would agree about one thing, and it is that am a crazy person but they all have seen different sides to me that the others don’t. I am from a Christian family but I am not religious, infact my views concerning religion seem to lean towards blasphemy according to some people. I move around the crowd of partygoers, I drink and indulge myself in this and that but I also have an equal number of friends that can be considered as having almost no social etiquette and I enjoy their company equally. I don’t understand why I who loves gizmos so much hate the use of cell phones? I have barely managed to pass mathematics in secondary school and have always managed to bang it in university yet I seem to have a good memory for numbers and I know at least thirty peoples phone number off hand. I am empathic to the feelings of people around me because I have managed to take out time to know them well but when I speak to them, make a suggest or ask something of them they are always quick to point out that I am manipulating them. To some set of people I am a very polite person while to others I am a very rude person, sometimes I can even be both at the same time. I love the internet and whenever it’s available I use it the fullest but I hate to chat with people on my messengers. I am a romantic at heart but half of the girls I have dated would tell you that I am as cold as ice or how I can love one girl so much that it hurts

and at the same time hate her guts. Can someone please explain to me why I usually don’t have the appetite to eat my best food that is really my best food? Or the reason why I take special care with my clothes and dressing yet can’t wait to get out off it before am in them because I really prefer having little or no form of clothing on my person? Or the reason why I have over two hundred musical Cd’s and about eighty percent of them are rap music, about eighteen percent of the remaining is R&B but my favorite musical genre is actually Pop & Rock? I can go on and on with it because the list is endless and we might never reach a favorable conclusion. My reason for writing this piece is because I want to let you know that the morale and motivation of a person is by far deeper than what he or she shows at the surface and that all we have to do is take out time to actually know a person. The complexity of my reasoning is so simple that very few will understand it not because they don’t have the capacity to understand but because they have programmed themselves to expect everything about me to be complex that they quickly discard the obvious simplest of reasons behind my actions in exchange for a non existing plot that they have managed to delude themselves that I am weaving.

Ricochet

     As I packed lunch for my husband and my son Tommy I mused over the issues of the last three months and I was relieved it was going to be finally over today, first I take care of my husband and then she comes next. Tommy then hops into the kitchen yelling good morning and my heart swelled up with pride, for I would die of a broken heart if anything ever happened to him because it took me six years before I could get pregnant for him and the doctors say I cannot have anymore children after him. I ushered him to the dining table where I fussed over him, served him his breakfast and placed his lunch pack beside him, then my husband walks in barely muttering good morning, I ignored him and served him breakfast too. After breakfast he picks up his lunch and shouts for Tommy to come downstairs, that he had to drop him off at school and he wouldn’t want to be late for work, Tommy yelled an acknowledgment and bundled down the stairs. I stood by the window and watched them enter the car and drive off and then I started crying. My husband used to be a loving and caring husband until about three months ago, he became moody, short fused, always musing like he had a lot on his mind, we were always arguing, he comes back very late on Tuesdays and Thursdays and he stopped sleeping with me. I tried to reach out to him, begging him to tell me what the problem is but he always withdraws into himself. When it got too much I decided to wait outside his office one Tuesday to follow him to wherever he goes after work. You will never know how true that saying of how “what you don’t know can never hurt you” is until you stumble into a secret, I wished I hadn’t followed him because I wouldn’t be contemplating what was on my mind now, that  clandestine operation led my to a woman’s apartment. My husband was cheating on me with a beautiful young lady and the revelation hurt me so bad that I cried for a week. I kept on following him all week and I found out he visits her on Tuesdays and Thursdays after work and then on Saturdays around 12 o’clock. I have had sleepless nights over how to handle the issue and I reached my conclusion that since I can’t have my husband then she can’t have him too and she would pay for making me do what I had to do. So I had my bath and dressed up then went down stairs, I looked around the house to see if all the windows were locked and if all was in order when I saw that Tommy forgot it again, he always forgets it whenever he is in a hurry to get to school, so I picked it up and decided to drop it off at his school after I had dealt with the bitch who took my husband and his father away because her place was along the way to his school, with that on my mind I stepped out and locked the house.

        I got to her apartment, packed a little distance from it and watched the door to her house for about ten minutes trying to get my nerves together because I was so scared, there and then I almost lost the will to do it but I shook it off. I got out carrying my hand bag and went to the door and rang the bell, she opened the door after about six seconds and said good morning smiling, how may I be of assistance to you?  I opened my bag, brought out my husband gun, pointed it at her and then I pushed her inside her house. I forced her in to a chair and explained to her that she has given me so much pain and that it was only natural I do the same to her, I explained to her that her affair with my husband was killing me and destroying our happy marriage and that since it looked like I wasn’t going to have him then she wouldn’t to. She looked panicked and perplexed, told me that there must be a mistake somewhere, then she asked me who my husband was and I was so disgusted for it looked like she was having more than one affair at the same time, so i told her his name and realization dawned on her and the next thing she says is he didn’t tell you? Tell me what I asked? And that was when she laid down the story for me; she is a psychologist that just moved into the area, works out of her home temporarily because she hasn’t found a good office space to rent, my husband was her client that came for professional advice about four months ago. By then I was already sweating and panting, she said he was in a middle age crisis and she was helping him deal with it, he complained of not being able to get an erection during sex and even when he managed one he couldn’t keep it longer than five minutes. So it got him so ashamed and handicapped that he didn’t know how to tell you. He claimed that the thoughts of it were affecting his work, his personal and professional relationship with other people. While she was reciting her story my head was going on a rollercoaster, I pulled out my cell pone and repeatedly called my husband on his private and office line to no avail, by then I was already shaking and fearing the worse because I poisoned my husband lunch because of his supposed infidelity, before she knew it I was already running out of her house like the minions from hell where right on my tail, entered my car and zoomed off, on my way I passed Tommy’s school as the kids where pouring out of  their classroom for break but he was the last thing on my mind as i rushed to my husbands office. When I got there I got out of my car and flew in to the elevator that would take me to his floor, on getting there I met his secretary who recognized me, smiled and offered a greeting but I bashfully ignored her because pleasantries were far from my mind too and asked her for the whereabouts of my husband, she told me he just came out from a board meeting and he was in his office now, I quickly went to his office and rushed in unannounced, when I saw he was alright I heaved a sigh of relief and my joy knew no bounds, he was seated behind his desk looking so worn and tired poring over some office document, he looked up in confusion when I barged in, then seconds later in surprise when he recognized me and he quickly stood up and asked if everything was fine, all I did was repeatedly ask him if he has had his lunch and he said no because he has been in a meeting all morning and moreover he hasn’t had the chance to go out and buy lunch because he had to give Tommy his own since Tommy forgot his own at home. When I heard what he said Tommy’s lunch box fell from my hands to the floor and I let out a heart wrenching scream “WHAT HAVE I DONE”? “GOD! WHAT HAVE I DONE”? While I was screaming out my soul my husband was holding me and asking what the problem was but I couldn’t speak, for I was heartbroken! Then I felt a sharp pain on my chest and I collapsed to the floor.        

Necessary Evil

 

  

     A beautiful flower! If there was a flower that could smile it would be you, you’re a lily and you are the first of its kind. It’s been like a decade but I can remember certain things about you with so much clarity that it feels like it was only yesterday. I can comfortably say it all started with you and you only, your idea of taking the bull by the horn which is also your way of tackling most of your issue’s is what led to us. We would both agree that we have unfinished business and would like to finish what we started in the next foreseeable future if the environment and situation that presents itself is acceptable and that factor in the name of availability wouldn’t be an issue. Till we see again try to keep body and soul together.

   Being that we could assume that you have soared over the sea and mountain as your name implied didn’t come to my notice then. You weren’t to pretty but you were also far from being ugly or plain. From the onset I knew we were never meant to be, we just happened, so it was already destined for a downfall even before it had the chance to rise. We called it platonic then but for me it was just my way of putting another dudes mind at ease and at the same time proving to myself that all was well. So even when you did it by e-mail I wasn’t shocked because I expected it, after all we both knew all along how it was going to end after we crossed that gate. Heard about your marriage and I guess a big congratulation is in order even if it is very belated, so happy married life.

    Couldn’t almost believe that the naive young girl of yesterday has blossomed into a woman today. When I remember that there is always an ace up my sleeve I remembered the first time you and I finally put all our cards on the table, you couldn’t believe that you were making those moves, infact I think you must have shed a tear or two, but its all good because we both can comfortably say we have nothing to regret because it wasn’t bad while it lasted. I know you still got that vision of being the defender and vanquisher for the mistreated so keep it up for it’s a good cause. I hope your exploration into the wider world has paid off, I really hope so because if it hasn’t then all would be a waste.

      

     Despite being named to be God’s satisfaction you were far from being satisfied with what you had, not because you wanted too much or you were greedy but because you had been a little unlucky in your pursuit for happiness, I couldn’t give it to you then because I wasn’t right for you but I sincerely hope you have found that now because you deserve it. Your supposed love for me was so potent that you would willing have done me bodily harm, although I must admit that I treated you unfairly and that I took advantage of you, for that I am sorry but the truth must be said, you are partly at fault because you made yourself available for such treatments. All I can say is we weren’t equipped for the long haul, so it wouldn’t have worked out then and now so we are better of as friends and if I knew then what I know now I would have treated you better.   

    

     Ever my tight friend now even when we knew you wanted more and I couldn’t give it to you, we still remained close even after everything that went unrecorded, when you eventually took that step and I failed in delivery because you couldn’t just stay calm and keep quiet because you were over excited. Its fortunate that we don’t have anything in the way of regrets over our actions and its good that we were matured enough not to allow it bother or affect our friendship. Its been good to have you as a friend and hopefully it continues that way.

     First she wanted me but it was you her best friend I had on my radar. If it ever happened it happened quick and it ended quick and I don’t have any distinctive memory of it at all. I am sorry to say but you were a dull company to have around and there was no way I was going to continue like that so I had to do something about it and when I finally did you believed you were the one letting go. The only solace is that it ended before it started and I didn’t feel deprived. Good luck to you wherever you are.

     Going around and seemingly spreading your poison was your forte, but I had always known you for whom you were and left it at that because there were a lot of wonderful sides to you also. Trying to manipulate those around me was supposed to be a good move but the problem with it was that it is an old and very obvious technique. Things could and would have been different between us if you hadn’t in your own words “Taken the bulls by the horn”. I regret that I hadn’t taken the steps I needed to take earlier and I am also sorry things ended the way they did considering the circumstances. I must say your presence in my life had the greatest impact compared to the others because you didn’t just leave but left with a chunk of me as a souvenir. So I sincerely hope you get smiled upon by the higher power because you have endured enough in your self created purgatory.

      How come! The closest I have remotely ever been to heartbreak was because of you, not because I couldn’t live without you after our separation but because of the perception of me you seemingly had as your reason for the split and the fact that you quantified what we had together when the most important thing was supposed to be the quality. I always said these to you; ‘Never say Never’ and I also always said ‘Never put all your eggs in one basket’. It would have been shameful if I merely said those words and never really practiced them, am not saying that I ever cheated on you but am saying I kept an open mind to all possibility. No matter what I have said to you after our separation, take no heed for I said them to gauge your reaction, I want you to know that am not even sure that if the right circumstance presents itself again that I would be able to entrust you with all my eggs because I now see you as a basket that has been tainted and soaked in fluid. What happened between us was the best I have ever experienced with anybody and I am heading towards building a better one now and in the future with whomever i am going to be with.

     I believed that they didn’t exist until I met you, you are a phantom and you don’t deserve a spot on this page like some others I didn’t write about, but I decided to write about you because of the strangeness of our issue. To me now you are just a figment of my imagination and if I ever see you again I would definitely disregard you, infact you wouldn’t register in my sub-conscious talk less of my conscious. I didn’t ask for it, you wanted it and I after scrutinizing all variables I agreed to give it a try and a couple of days later you disappear without a word or call, and this was more than two years ago and I still haven’t set eyes on you or heard from you. If I didn’t know people that knew you for years I might have doubted my sanity. All in all if you are out there, remain wherever you are because you are not a factor in the scheme of things.

   Just accept it that there was no way we could have happened because aside from the fact that I was tied up with my own commitment then, the union was always destined for failure. There were too many different variables between us for it to have worked out. I know you tried hard to make it work even to the extent that you were ready to do away with a five years union but it didn’t seem fair to you because I wasn’t ready to emulate that step you were willing to make and moreover why would you want to end a five year union over some dude you had barely known for about two months? It was a dumb move and it didn’t make sense so that was why I talked you out of it, and it worked although no matter how gentle I handled the matter it must have hurt you bad because nobody likes to be rejected. What I want to let you know is these, if circumstances were right I would have given it a go and I didn’t reject you, and even if I did, I did it for the right reasons, I didn’t want to be selfish.

 

     Keep off! You came along asking for something in the way of an open relationship, and the fact that I had already been hooked didn’t even matter to you. Am sorry to tell you but I had to reject you point blank because it is generally said that if you cannot smell something don’t eat it. And I wasn’t ready to do either for reason known only to me. Nah! Everything about you was wrong and I am happy today that I took the right step because even with you being very attractive I didn’t think I wanted to be seen around with you.

    Live the life now, you deserve it. There could have been an us but you know all the things that stood in our way. My joy knew no bounds when you told me you were finally tying the knots with him, unfortunately I couldn’t attend the ceremony because of unforeseen circumstances. What still sticks to my memory was the fact that you actually wanted or contemplated leaving your fiancé then on the grounds of the usual, and all you needed was for me to say the word but I couldn’t for obvious reasons, and I pointed out to you that the reason you were finding faults was because I was in the picture and that we both knew you weren’t complaining before, therefore you should look before you leap. I guess what I said fell on listening ears and a big thank you from you to me is in order. One thing I know for sure is that he is a lucky man and that you would make a great mother. Till we see again stay blessed.

   My rigmarole was too much that in the end it was almost too late. I didn’t want to give in and you also didn’t want to give in too, actually if you had been willing to meet me half way God knows I would have come all the way. Both us and everybody knowing there was this charge in the air whenever we are together but we had no inclination to make the move, I didn’t want to do it because I wasn’t ready to indulge you and your games, you wanted a situation where I would go down on my knees over something you wanted badly, in fact something you so wanted more than i so I just pretended that there was nothing until almost the end, so I guess you are an unfinished story that I would like to go back to if the right situation presents itself.

      No argument you are a jewel. Its common practice for people to save the best things for last, and I am also going to keep it short because it is also said that the best things come in small packages. So this is what I have to say to you: you’re the best and an Angel that should be cherished forever.